David Cameron

What if David Cameron is an evil genius? Frankie Boyle

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What if David Cameron is an evil genius?

The prime minister has successfully pursued an agenda more radical than Thatcher’s – and has managed it without anybody being terribly worried by him

The Moriarty of Downing Street? Illustration: Mary Evans Picture Library/Alamy

     The Moriarty of Downing Street? Illustration: Mary Evans Picture Library/Alamy

They abolished the Human Rights Act” sounds like the first sentence of an Aldous Huxley novel. The Conservatives actually campaigned on a manifesto pledge to get rid of human rights and people voted for it. As electoral choices go, it’s not far off choosing to be ruled by a dry, whispering voice taunting you from an antique mirror.

Here, in what may well be the final years of our civilisation, I would like to ask a question that has been worrying me for some time. What if David Cameron is a genius? A shrewd and malevolent psychopath who thinks two moves deeper into the game than any of his opponents? What if there sits in Downing Street today a modern-day Moriarty, living in a world where his schemes are only kept in check by the deductive brilliance of Harriet Harman? As Holmes would say, look at the evidence. Cameron has managed to set England against Scotland, Scotland against Labour. He has given his enemies the referendums they asked for, and won. He has left Nick Clegg looking like one of those terrified mouse faces that you find in an owl pellet. He has successfully pursued an agenda more radical than Thatcher’s with less popular support than John Major.

Most impressively, Cameron has managed all this without anybody being terribly worried by him. Immediately after his re-election he announced: “For too long we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens so long as you obey the law we will leave you alone.” A statement so far to the right that it conceded the political centre ground to Judge Dredd.

We have an idea of Cameron as an empty suit – he’s remarkably forgettable for someone who has a face like a gammon travel iron. What if this is simply a character he chooses to play? We can see the mileage Boris Johnson has got out of playing the fairly simple character of a sort of pissed-up dandelion. What if Cameron’s persona is actually more crafted and insidious? He has a brisk, stiff air of wishing he was somewhere else. We imagine he would much rather be a few years in the future, heading up some foundation that’s advising Qatar on how to bid for the Winter Olympics. Perhaps that’s quite an effective manner to adopt when robbing a country. Announcing in a clipped voice that you’ll be out of our hair just as soon as you’ve privatised the NHS, terribly sorry for any inconvenience. Cameron having a down-to-business persona is not terribly unlike one of those gangs who do heists in high-vis jackets.

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David Cameron compares himself to a firefighter. He has no right

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David Cameron compares himself to a firefighter. He has no right

When I was a little girl, I would sit near the front door after breakfast, waiting for my Dad to come home. A key in the lock, and I would run to hug a man who reeked of smoke and petrol and boot polish, a man who sometimes came home quiet and shaken, and didn’t often talk about his working days and nights.

I overheard glimpses of conversation; tiny babies carried lifeless down ladders, a mum found dead in bed with her children cuddled in close and an ashtray on the bedroom floor. A man trapped in a burning caravan, his charred corpse found huddled and clawing at the door. The burning buildings loomed large in fitful nightmares, and to me, my dad was a hero. As were his watch, a loud group of muscular men who we would visit on weekends.

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Mark Steel : So, the people who always support the Tories… are supporting the Tories? Has the world gone mad?

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 Mark Steel  Wednesday 1 April 2015

So, the people who always support the Tories… are supporting the Tories? Has the world gone mad?

Tomorrow the news will probably start: ‘The Labour Party was rocked today by a letter supporting David Cameron, signed by David Cameron’

What an important and potentially decisive moment that was in the election, when 100 wealthy business people came out in support of the party that’s controlled and funded by wealthy business people, and was founded by wealthy business people, and always promises to cut taxes for wealthy business people.

So it’s reasonable that it was the main item all day on the news, as this completely neutral group surprised everyone by supporting the side they always support. Tomorrow the news will start: “The Labour Party was rocked today by a letter supporting David Cameron signed by David Cameron. David Cameron said the letter proves he’s supported by people across the community. Even more damaging for Labour, the letter was signed by Mr Cameron three times, including once diagonally near the top.”

The unbiased Stuart Rose, a Tory peer worth £34m, explained on Radio 4 that the Conservatives have cut corporation tax for businesses, which will give Britain the strong economy it needs to increase benefits for the disabled. So that’s why wealthy businessmen want to pay less tax, it’s to help the disabled. When Amazon or Vodafone go to all that trouble to dodge making payments, it’s because they’re saving up to buy all the disabled a solid gold wheelchair, and replace guide dogs with more efficient but much more expensive guide pandas.

This is why it’s been essential to cut disability benefits, and pay Atos to declare the disabled fit for work even if they can barely move. Because unless those cuts are made, the economy will never become strong and then we won’t be able to help the disabled. If the disabled really cared about the disabled they’d melt their crutches down for scrap and let themselves be poked with thistles for a pound, then send all the money they’d made to Stuart Rose so he could give it to wealthy businessmen who can make the economy strong so they can help the disabled.

Similarly there will almost certainly be a letter complaining about the mansion tax, written by people with mansions and starting, “We the undersigned oppose the mansion tax because the people it will hurt most are children with cerebral palsy”.

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Big Society or a Big Load of Old Boll&*ks ?: David Cameron’s Big Society Network Investigated By The Charity Commission For ‘Cronyism’

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David Cameron’s Big Society Network Investigated By The Charity Commission For ‘Cronyism’

Posted: 26/07/2014 10:30 BST Updated: 2 hours ago
DAVID CAMERON
A regulator is investigating the awarding and use of taxpayer-funded grants by the charity set up to lead the Prime Minister’s Big Society initiative amid Labour calls for an investigation into political influence.

The Charity Commission is examining whether Cabinet Office funding for a childhood obesity project was used to pay down the debts of a linked company, the Independent reported.

It is also seeking more information on payments allegedly made for consultancy services to two directors of the charity and its chair Martyn Rose, a Conservative Party donor, it said.

News of the probe came days after a public spending watchdog issued a critical report about how National Lottery and Government funds were handed over to and used by the Big Society Network.

A former trustee of one grants body has claimed it was “forced” to award sums to the project totalling £480,000 without undertaking the usual checks.

Shadow civil society minister Lisa Nandy said she was now asking the Cabinet Secretary to investigate whether “political pressure” was exerted to secure money for ministers’ “pet projects”.

The Big Society Network was launched by David Cameron at 10 Downing Street two months after winning power in 2010, with the aim of encouraging the kind of community work and volunteering he had put at the heart of the Conservative manifesto for that year’s election.

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The NHS is being taken over by Wall Street. And Cameron won’t stop it

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The NHS is being taken over by Wall Street. And Cameron won’t stop it

The prime minister’s refusal to exempt our health service from a deal that will make it impossible to reverse privatisation really is a matter of life and death
Brighton TTIP demo
‘From Dorset to Dumfriesshire there are growing numbers of people getting angry when they learn about Cameron’s continued refusal to protect the NHS from TTIP.’ Photograph: Kate Nye/Kate Nye/Demotix/Corbis

Will David Cameron go down in history as the man who gave away this country’s greatest achievement to Wall Street, the man who enabled big American healthcare access to our hospital wards? The answer will be yes – unless the prime minister makes it clear once and for all that he will protect the NHS from the world’s largest bilateral trade negotiations, happening right now in Brussels.

Make no mistake, we are in the fight of our lives to save the NHS from being sold off lock, stock and barrel. But to make matters even worse a trade deal called TTIP (the transatlantic trade and investment partnership) will mean that reversing the damage done by this government could be impossible unless Cameron acts.

This week faceless bureaucrats from Brussels and Washington are negotiating behind the closed doors of the European commission. You may well ask what trade negotiations in Brussels have got to do with the NHS. But these talks matter to every man, woman and child in the UK. In fact people across the country are campaigning up and down the high streets of our towns to raise awareness of the danger. From Dorset to Dumfriesshire there are growing numbers of people getting angry when they learn about Cameron’s continued refusal to use his veto to protect the NHS from TTIP.

The trade deal would create a single market between the European Union and the United States, and the British government has given the negotiators a free hand to negotiate away our rights to control our health system.

The government’s Health and Social Care Act 2012 opened the floodgates to the NHS sell-off. The act has massively increased the number of private providers in the NHS. Since this act came in to force, 70% of health services put out to tender have gone to the private sector.

Many of these companies are US-based or have Wall Street investors. Serco, for example, is involved in the provision of health services within the NHS and is owned by big Wall Street investment firms such as Invesco, Fidelity and BlackRock. Now Cameron is set on giving these US investors new powers to sue any future UK government if it makes changes to health policy that might stop the dollars rolling in.

The deal will mean that American investors will be able to haul any UK government that tries to reverse privatisation to a tribunal – the “investor state dispute settlement” that would operate outside the law of this land. These tribunals will have the power to award billions in damages and compensation for lost profits and the loss of projected future profits, with no right of appeal. Yes, that is right – no right of appeal.

In short, the British public would face massive costs to bring NHS services back into public hands, making it nigh on impossible.

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What is Drip and how, precisely, will it help the government ruin your life?

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What is Drip and how, precisely, will it help the government ruin your life?

The Data Retention and Investigatory Powers bill is the most tedious outrage ever, right down to the dreary acronym. But oh, the horrors it will bring …
Dripping tap

The drip bill … Cameron, Clegg and Miliband are backing a bill too boring for human beings to comprehend or care about. Photograph: Comstock/Getty Images

David Cameron cares about your safety. It’s all he ever thinks about. It’s his passion. He’s passionate about it. Every time David Cameron thinks about how safe he’d like to keep you, passion overcomes him and he has to have a lie down. With his eyes shut. A bit like he’s having a nap and doesn’t care about your safety at all.

Right now he’s so committed to keeping you safe, he’s rushing something called the Drip bill through the House of Commons. Drip stands for Data Retention and Investigatory Powers and critics are calling it yet another erosion of civil liberties and … see, I’ve lost you because it’s just so bloody boring. Maybe it’s just me, but whenever I hear about some fresh internet privacy outrage my brain enters screensaver mode and displays that looped news footage of mumblin’ Edward Snowden and I automatically nod off only to be awoken shortly afterwards by the sound of my forehead colliding sharply with the table.

The cross-party line is that the Drip bill will make life harder for terrorists and paedophiles, coincidentally the only two sectors of society less popular than politicians. The only thing worse than a paedophile or a terrorist is a paedophile terrorist, and it won’t be long till they’re dangling that threat over our heads, introducing fresh legislation to thwart Carlos the Savile.

Of course, all this stuff about keeping tabs on child molesters is a bit rich coming from an establishment that apparently can’t keep hold of an accusatory dossier for five minutes without accidentally ripping it up and eating the shreds, so they’ve cleverly headed off charges of hypocrisy by making the bill too boring for human beings to comprehend or care about.

Drip is the most tedious outrage ever, right down to the dreary acronym, which is why they’ll get away with shoving it through the Commons. Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband are in cahoots with Cameron on this. All three men are, I assume, pretending to have read and understood the bill, which seems unlikely given its dry impenetrability. Siri would fall asleep halfway through. You could swap it with the technical specifications documentation for a Netgear AV 500 Powerline Adapter and no one would notice.

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